www.growingandgrowing.com: February 2007

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

God has taken me on a miraculous journey in my “faith” walk the past couple of years. We have had the joy of seeing, now, three beautifully perfect children born. We have also suffered the heartache of losing four other beautiful children whom we never got the chance to meet. Through it all, God remained faithful…even when I was so angry with Him that I could not even talk to Him in prayer.

As some of you know (and some of you may not), Matt and I lost a baby in March of 2006. I was in my tenth week and it was my fourth miscarriage. I, of course, was devastated.

In June, I found out I was expecting again as we packed all of our belongings and moved to Tennessee. As we waited for the completion of our new home, I packed up the kids and drove to visit my family in Oklahoma. I started experiencing some pain in my lower abdomen. Since I had not yet been seen by a doctor, I feared an ectopic pregnancy. I decided it would be best to be evaluated and my grandmother took me to the emergency room. After an ultrasound, the doctor came in and, with tears in his eyes said, “I am sorry, but your baby did not make it.” Matthew took the next flight out to drive me back home.

On Monday, I met with the OB. We scheduled a DNC for the next day, but I asked him for another ultrasound. I don’t know why. I was not holding out any hope of a different outcome. After having so many miscarriages, it is easier to expect the bad than to get your hopes up and be disappointed again. I had been through it before, so it was easy to see that it had just happened again. And ultrasound machines at the hospital are the highest quality. What did I expect to see on the small machine in the doctor’s office that had not already been confirmed? The doctor was not holding out any hope either based on the initial hospital records. They continued to make preparations for the procedure the following morning.

I think it was the longest ultrasound in history. I laid there and cried the entire time. I could not believe that I was going through this again. I kept asking God why people that don’t want babies seem to have no trouble having them and why I, who wanted them so badly, had to endure such heartache. The tech would not even look at me. She also turned the screen out of my vision. After about thirty minutes, she turned the screen and said those beautiful words, “There is your baby’s heartbeat.” No one in the office could believe it.

Come to find out, Faith was a twin and the other embryo did not develop…but Faith was a fighter and decided to stick around.